Summertime Blues

Well I'm gonna raise a fuss // And I'm gonna raise a holler 
About workin' all summer // Just tryin' to earn a dollar 
Well, I went to my boss // Who governs me He said, "No, dice, bud // You gotta work late" 
Sometime I wonder // What I'm gonnna do // There ain't no cure // For the summertime blues

So, with that being said, that sums up my summer. 

I did however, get an adult vacation and floated the river down at New Braunsfel completely wasted. Totally worth it. 

We moved into a house September 1st. Between that, work, and Bronx.. there's been little time to breathe.

Positive Note to an Ending Day.

It's amazing what you can accomplish by simply putting one foot in front of the next. Don't dwell when worry troubles you, just start somewhere, even if it's seems futile, and after a bit you'll notice some improvement.

Too Much Stress

Stress has consumed me.

I don't know what to do today. I can not organize my thoughts and I just don't know where to go from here. I can't get over the hump this week.

I need family support, but was raised by wolves. I have no family, other than my small family that I made. And my boyfriend's family isn't the most reliable, living far away and from other circumstances. He always tells me this is why we have to be that for our son as he grows and when he one day has children of his own, but I don't feel strong enough right now to push past the negative.

I could hardly make the 10 mile drive home from work this morning. Much less take Bronx to daycare, or hardly care for him myself today. It's been disastrous.

I have a warrant for a crime that was committed against me. I have the money to pay it, but I don't know if it will stay on my record and all I feel is anger, and don't want to drag it out, because I've cut off ties over a year ago with those involved. And on top of that my registration was out last month and a cop pulled me over for it (this was prior to the warrant) and I've never had a ticket or anything before. I just forgot to go renew it, but I did the next business day and can't pay the 20 dollars for it until I get this other nonsense figured out.

I finished my finals today and prior to them I had 2 A's and a B, and with the 70's I made, it dropped all my classes a letter grade. I took these classes to help my GPA, but it'll probably just stay the same, and wasn't worth all the busy work. I want to take Paramedic in the Fall, but I'm nervous and can't figure out if I just need to wait until things are more stable, but it seems as soon as they do get stable something else knocks that out of sync, so maybe I should just keep embracing all the chaos.

I've lost all will today. I need to cook, but I don't even know where to start there! Writing this was a chore, but I thought it might help me focus. No luck.

Nike:

Sometimes you just have to drop everything and do it, no-holds-barred.

Free yourself, free your mind.

Wahhmbulance.

    I've had a really rough day. To make sure you don't misunderstand, it wasn't a bad day, just rough.  I feel like I when I talk to people, they're not really listening, just hearing the swish of consonants and vowels in an annoying mesh. What is it about my voice? Or being? Do I not command a presence? Is my stature the problem? I've felt like this most of my life. Invisible to all the struggle and dedication I bring, but with one moment of weakness, whether tired or just human err, I finally get negative attention that I've never wanted my whole life. I conduct myself professionally. I take pride in myself and hold myself with poise. But, it's like no one gets that, that which I hold so dear and serious most of the time. I've learned to be less of a door mat, but it still seems that I am forever the mule getting kick to continue on, expected, not suggested. 
    I'm exhausted and a bit more vulnerable than usual, so this post is written with held back tears. And, it's not like I take myself too seriously, growing up taught me I had to laugh at myself to survive in life.  I just want people to appreciate me for me, and not for what I do for them. And sometimes, more than less, they don't even appreciate me then.
   My child helped my day from turning bad, because when I walked through the door after work, he was ecstatic. He always is. He always appreciates me, and just for me. Unconditional. He's the only one who purely does this in my life. He lights up and gives me hope that I'm perfect even in my many imperfections. He doesn't care how I look, or what I sound like, or if I'm not perfect. I never disappoint him. I never annoy him. I'm never invisible to him. Nothing is ever more important to him than me. No expectations, but a hug, a full sippy, and that I stay close. Okay, now the tears fall.
   I known I've grown, changed, and improved as a person in many aspects, but I feel like I left somethings from my pushed childhood and didn't bring those things with me. I've lost a few things along the way to compensate for adulthood.

I feel like the new song, "Somebody That I Use To Know," by Gotye about myself. My adult self, talking to my younger self.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
  

  

Lazy days after work days.

    Well, last night I actually got an hour or two of sleep between calls, so it wasn't a total bust. My partner and I surprisingly work well together, and on a mock call during the day (we have these every once in while to stay sharp) he did very well. We also had a trainee after 9 last night, and that always takes a little bit off our shoulders to have a third pair of hands. I also am happy that I only spent a dollar for coffee in 24 hours. Got free lunch and free dinner. Worked out pretty nice.
   The fiancee is now on his 24, and I grabbed a shower and a couple hours of sleep before the little one got to stirring. I made him a waffle and chocolate milk for breakfast, so he's pumped full of sugar while I should probably go for a cup of coffee, but instead I went for a cigarette. Yes, I know as a health care professional I shouldn't smoke, but we've talked about quitting soon. We will see how that goes with our semi-stressful lives.
   My little boy's name is Bronx. He's being quite a calm and good child this morning, but that's not unusual for him. After his breakfast, he grabbed his blocks and sat down to build while watching Disney Junior. Now I'm trying to think about what I can cook for lunch, since I have little else to get done. My amazing man did the dishes last night, after bringing me dark chocolate from 15 minutes away with toddler in tow at 10 pm last night. It's the little things that make all the difference. I have a couple loads of laundry going, an it's going to be a lazy day here at the Casa del Shaw. I don't have a lot of cool and exciting things to write about, but we'll get there soon. My life can have it's moments. Just not this moment.

Happy Hump day! Try something different, if you know what I mean. ;)

Vexed and purplexed.

    So, here I am finishing up some college discussions, (getting ready for finals week next week), after checking off the ambulance. Trying to gear myself up for the long night I know I'll have ahead with our new contract with the local BHC and the significant number of psych calls I'll have.  Funny, how all the courses I took this semester will help me understand these patients greater since I'm done with another psychology, sociology, and pharmacology class next week. Two A's and a B. The B is from the sociology class because I had so much busy-work to complete, I had to rush through it.
    Working with a new partner on Tuesdays now, and I'm hoping this 24 goes as smoothly as possible with the circumstances. We will see. The station was so crowded this morning with our truck getting back from a late call with the prior shift, two extra trucks loading, and new trainees, plus more wheelchair van drivers. It was a great cacophony of 'need this', 'do that', and just the chatter of small talk. Glad I got that cappuccino.
    My mind keeps trailing off to having to put my child in daycare. I've never been an advocate of daycare. But, we no longer have a private sitter that can handle anymore, and no family.  And we just can't get away with no help this month. Hopefully, it will only be a temporary fix for this month. And by June I can breathe a sigh of relief.  We visited the daycare yesterday and the children seem very sweet and the caregivers really took quickly to my little boy, but it's impossible for anyone not to. I'm not biased, well maybe a little, but my little one is just so good-natured, kind-hearted and friendly. That's just how he came out, and I don't know if genetics have anything to do with that.
    Well, I'm off to catch an early nap, just in case.